FF_Lover228's Xanga

i honestly think this is the worst sadness i've been in in a while.

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 04:48:58 GMT

Four more days.

Four days is not enough time to spend time with someone you have grown up your whole life with before they leave and to let them know that you love them and hope that they love you as much in return. To tell them how much they meant to you and make them make promises to come back soon.

There is not enough time in the world to do that, nor would I ever want to have to do that. And the saddest part is... that's all the time I have left to do it all.

to the breaking of a heart.

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 06:53:50 GMT

It's late night. I'm sitting in on my bed, leaning against my wooden headboard. I'm dressed in my comfy sleeping clothes with my hair tied up in a ponytail, glasses on. The only light in my bedroom is my bedside lamp. I know I should be studying for my final exams - after all, it is my senior year in college - but I can't. Instead, I'm sitting there with another kind of book in my hands. This book was given to me as a gift by my cousin, who is more a brother. As I gently skim my hands over the cover, I catch a glimpse of the authors name, Aldrich Amador. I can't help but smile as I read the different and numerous praises given by several acclaimed people and organizations, and of course, it's a best seller. Just as I knew it would be. I laugh as I realize that my cousin wrote this book.

That he made his dreams come true.

_______________________________________

For some reason, tonight, more than any other night, I've become nostalgic. I can't seem to sleep with memories flooding through my mind. Memories of happy times with him. I hold fast to these dear and precious memories, hoping they won't ever fade. But I know that in time, some of them, sadly, will be forgotten, like a toy that a child has left to collect dust. For some reason, it just hit me tonight that next school year, he won't be there to help me with school. He won't be there to help me with my problems. He won't be there at most family parties. He won't be there when I need him. He won't be there to be the big brother I never had. He won't be there.

I cry silently as I realize that he won't be there.

Instead, he'll be off, more than a thousand miles away, pursuing his dreams. Of course I'm happy for him. After all, he was the one who taught me to follow my dreams and not everyone elses. But I can't help it if it pains me to see him go. After having him by my side for all 16 short years of my life, why wouldn't it pain me? I grew up walking upstairs to his house everyday, always looking forward to playing with and his sister. I'm sure it's plain to whoever's reading this now that I don't want him to go. Of course I don't want him to go. Does that make me selfish? I could beg and plead with him not go, but that won't change his mind. I don't want him to leave us behind him. This short entry doesn't even began to express my sadness. But I know that if I want to see him happy, I have to let him go, even if it hurts. I wonder if he'll ever read this.

Probably not.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Sun, 11 May 2008 00:38:22 GMT

i guess this is the point in my life
where life and reality comes crashing over me.
when i realize that more people than i would ever know or
like to know are depending on me.
when too much pressure starts to take its toll.
when i start dreading being alone, for
fear of losing it and just crying.
when reaching an endless list of goals
not even made by me, seems impossible.
where the path to my future seems rocky,
endless, tiring, with many sleepless nights ahead.
when an unending, nver ceasing amount
of expectations strip me of my life.

it doesn't matter what i want or how i want it.
it never matters once reality sinks in.
this is my life now and how it has always been.
that is how i must live it. forever.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 04:36:22 GMT

guysss.
my award ceremony is tomorrow.
i'm kinda nervous.

haha.
it's funny how i learn things from a t.v. show.
how pathetic is that.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 03:44:52 GMT

one year six months. Y

Monday, January 07, 2008

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 22:40:07 GMT

yay. happy one year and three months. <3 i love you with all my heart.
______

so it's a new year. i wonder what's out there for me. the good and the bad.
______

i'm not so thrilled about school. i'm getting a b in chemistry. ~~that was my best class with my highest grade. what the heck.~~ just kidding. i'm not doing so bad anymore... hehe.
______

haha yay. kuya nonoy and ate jill got married. but me and r3 totally sucked on our duet. man. i guess we got nervous when we saw 350 people staring at us.
______

so how did i spend break. majority of it was with the boyfriend. haha. all we did was eat and chill at my house watching movies. i was supposed to sleep over at my cousins house but for some reason... nothing happened. christmas was pretty awesome. i got a keeeee yooooot neck uh lace from the bf. and i got this awe suh uhm sword from my kuya. cheee yay yuh.

i went to todai twice. best buffet ever. sushi. yum yum. eel. yummy-er. raw fish. mmm.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 21:01:41 GMT

1 year and a month Y

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 23:24:40 GMT

So let me come to you
Close as I wanted to be
Close enough for me
To feel your heart beating fast
And stay there as I whisper
How I loved your peaceful eyes on me
did you ever know
That I had mine on you

Darling, so share with me
Your love if you have enough
Your tears if your're holding back
Or pain if that's what it is
How can I let you know
I'm more than the dress and the voice
Just reach me out then
You will know that you're not dreaming

____________________________

This is kind of late (it was supposed to be on the 25th of September) but;
happy 1 year anniversary. Y

Friday, August 17, 2007

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 03:34:34 GMT

why is doing the right thing always so hard?

sigh. i hate being the good guy.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 03:59:44 GMT

I just realized that most of my entries have sucked lately. sigh. hmmm. what is there to know? summer's almost over. bummer. i haven't even done anything really awesome. oh i went to six flags! but that''s pretty much it. supposedly i'm going to either cali, new york, or florida in the next few weeks. that should be fun. man i really need something to do...

Lately i've been really into Final Fantasy again. my mom keeps getting mad because all i do is play all day. haha. it kinda sucked though when my cousin broke R3's game by kicking the ps2. ugh. i went like a week without playing. haha.

Hmmm today I went to the mall with Mark. We saw Harry Potter [daniel radcliffe is hot. haha]... but then we left because it sucked. we didn't buy anything either. sigh. haha.

I like how i just realized how bored i get with most of my friends at school. haha. there's only a select few i don't get bored with. I say haha a lot... geez.

Along with everyone else, I have finished Harry Potter. sigh. since there's no more coming out... i feel like my life is over. no just kidding. i'm not obsessed. i must say, i was really disappointed with the book. there was just wayyy too much information to cram in into a 700 something paged book. it felt too rushed. i don't know... i wasn't really that into this one. hmm throughout the whole series, i was seriously wishing harry and hermione would get together. i don't know, they're just cute to me. haha.

Me, Ivy, and ate Jill made cards for a bunch of people's birthdays. who knew it was hard to make cards. it takes a lot of effort. and these weren't your stupid little simple cards. we made them from scratch, by hand, and they are a work of art. i think we only managed to make 15 that day. haha. i think we still have 15 more to go. ugh.

yeah so i'm gonna go sleep now. i haven't gotten any in days.

__________________________

i love this song;

Always said I would know where to find love,
Always thought I'd be ready and strong enough,
But some times I just felt I could give up.
But you came and changed my whole world now,
I'm somewhere I've never been before.
Now I see, what love means.

It's so unbelievable,
And I don't want to let it go,
Something so beautiful,
Flowing down like a waterfall.
I feel like you've always been,
Forever a part of me.
And it's so unbelievable to finally be in love,
Somewhere I'd never thought I'd be.

In my heart, in my head, it's so clear now,
Hold my hand you've got nothing to fear now,
I was lost and you've rescued me some how-.
I'm alive, I'm in love you complete me,
And I've never been here before.
Now I see, what love means.

When I think of what I have, and this chance I nearly lost,
I cant help but break down, and cry.
Ohh yeah, break down and cry.

Now I see, what love means